Law Maid

Mother. Wife. Law Student.

Category: Uncategorized

New year, new resolution

People who know me may be surprised to hear this but I’ve been holding myself back. Call it fear of failure, call it imposter syndrome. Whatever. I’m determined that 2017 is the year that I will kick it for good.

It’s not that I have low self-esteem per se. If anything I can sometimes be confident to a fault. My problem, and I need to recognize that I have a problem, is this sense of guilt that I have a hard time ignoring. A humble person would not be so proud. I am proud and therefore I am a lesser person. And so turns the wheel.

I trace it all back to my contradictory upbringing. I was expected to excel but never shine. I was privileged but was constantly told to earn it. There was no sympathy when I made mistakes. I would simply do better next time and get back in everyone’s good graces. I was a people pleaser and was utterly unhappy for it. I know now as an adult that no one could have lived up to the expectations with which I was raised. And that’s totally OK.

My New Year’s resolution is to apologize less and be my own advocate. That, and to blog more consistently. Cheers to 2017!

Uninspired

If I described my state of mind for the past few weeks it would be uninspired. I’ve been trapped in a stale state of mediocre existence and faking passion because it’s the only way I know how to get through the boring bits of the day. But lately those bits have not been bits. They’ve been unbearable chunks of unmotivated periods through out the day during which I get things done because they need to be done.

Ever since I burned out at the end of my last field mission I’ve been fighting a loosing battle with myself. Every morning I wake up dreading the rest of the day. I get up thinking that coffee will do the trick or if I can just get myself out the door I will hop, skip and run to the office and be the best version of myself I can be. But no. I find myself dreading what comes after still.

My husband who can predict my bouts of restlessness with uncanny precision says I still haven’t learned to live in the moment. He is annoyingly right. Like a character from that Woody Allen movie where no one has their shit together, I don’t know what I want, I only know what I don’t want. So I keep searching.

In a funk

When I’m in a funk, I start writing. Sometimes I pour out my thoughts, sometimes I mull over every word, but I almost always end up writing something very thorny. 

I keep these little bits and pieces of verbal tantrums saved in my phone and delete them when I feel ready to let go of whatever feeling I was holding on to. I think one of the hardest things a person learns to do while adulting is to just be ok. 

Anyway, here are a few snaps of cute little  plants that cheered me up a little today.

       

 

Bliss and drama

My plan to go to Heyri on Saturday was postponed. Hubs had some work hanging over his head and Esther was cranky with a runny nose. We ended up walking to McDonald’s for some french fries, nugets and burgers which cheered her up.

On our way back I bought a box of macaroons as a little pick-me-up. Esther took out her toy tea set and the two of us had a lovely afternoon tea session in our living room while Hubs went out to a café to work.

Later a girlfriend came over with a relationship crisis that needed to be talked out over a bowl of soup. Esther was napping by then so I asked my mother-in-law to watch her while we figured out the logistics of recovering her things from her ex. I returned home to find Esther back to her normal self full of energy and we played a quite a bit before going to bed.

It wasn’t the day I had planned, but I love days like this – domestic bliss with a side order of drama. 

First week at new job

This week went by like a whirlwind! I started a new job and had to learn a lot of things really fast. The handover process was one of the best I’ve seen but many aspects of the operation still remains unclear to me. Even though my old and new organizations are practially sisters, I noticed some differences too.

I can tell they have high expectations of me which I suppose isn’t necessarily good or bad. Knowing my competitive tendencies, though, it’ll take some conscious efforts to find work and life balance under pressure to perform.

Anyway, hopefully this really good weather we’ve been having holds up over the weekend so we can spend some family time outdoors. Otherwise, we’ll have to think up something creative to do. We live in one of the best cities in the world so it should be easy!

Here is a snap from my favorite downtown spot near the office, Cheonggyecheon.

 

Spring is here

The weather was so nice and warm today, perfect for walking home with Esther from the day care center. We stopped here and there to enjoy various blossoming trees all around us. My favorite by far are cherry blossoms and I captured a few shots with my phone while Esther chased pigeons at the playground.