People who know me may be surprised to hear this but I’ve been holding myself back. Call it fear of failure, call it imposter syndrome. Whatever. I’m determined that 2017 is the year that I will kick it for good.
It’s not that I have low self-esteem per se. If anything I can sometimes be confident to a fault. My problem, and I need to recognize that I have a problem, is this sense of guilt that I have a hard time ignoring. A humble person would not be so proud. I am proud and therefore I am a lesser person. And so turns the wheel.
I trace it all back to my contradictory upbringing. I was expected to excel but never shine. I was privileged but was constantly told to earn it. There was no sympathy when I made mistakes. I would simply do better next time and get back in everyone’s good graces. I was a people pleaser and was utterly unhappy for it. I know now as an adult that no one could have lived up to the expectations with which I was raised. And that’s totally OK.
My New Year’s resolution is to apologize less and be my own advocate. That, and to blog more consistently. Cheers to 2017!